Lost and Found.

Lost and Found.

It's late. This will be a little transparent.

I'm really fake.

I've never been really great at continuance.
I don't know if continuance is even a word. It just seemed to fit the ideals i was trying to encompass by vocabularial creation.
( Trae, if you're reading this , Ive earned at least 4 points in the last 3 sentences.)
Maybe I'm looking for the word consistency...but i'm quite consistent at being inconsistent. Doesn't that justify consistency?
Maybe i'm looking for a different word. Okay, I'll try and explain.

In 18 minutes, I'll be 24. That feels old. I'm quite the nomad, it seems, although I have lived my entire life within 15 miles of where I started. I move alot. Things don't stay the same,although many times I wish they would. Part of me likes change. Part of me thinks I force the hand of change.

I've been learning alot about counterfeit comfort. And that I'm a major subscriber.
Or At least I have been. And at worst, I'm a victim of modern american culture. At best, I'm completely lost.

I want to change that. I've said in a previous blog that I would rather define my culture than sit still and be defined. But how does that happen?

Was surfing around tonight and saw some pictures of a group of people who I used to be extremely close to..hugging..all of them....at a wedding that I wasn't invited to.
Not that I'm offended that I wasn't invited- i haven't talked to them in quite some time. However. It made e think about how many times I have gotten just close eough to a group of people and just vulnerable enough to have community...but I can't seem to follow through. Can't seem to hold down. It's like i get really close, but then for some reason, Run. or in some cases...get kicked to the curb.

Before me stands alot of change. Change that is inevitable- that i have zero control over. But for some reason, this time...this time it feels safe.

If you know me at all..you know a couple of things... that I love birds and trees...claim to be somewhat of a hippie. i'm probably a little more trendy then I need be.. and above all, desperately, desparately long for community, but have built a wall the size of Jericho because every past community I have tried has failed miserably. ( or I have failed miserably)..and thus... either party bails respectively.

The beautiful thing about a healthy community, if you will is that when ( not if..) either party fails miserably... community still stands.. and still loves.. its family.

So what happens then when the Lord leads you to the community you didn't think you wanted... by stripping away the things that once were thought to define every part of you?

As petty as this sounds... I don't get starbucks every morning anymore. and that was actually a challenge for me... I stood in the doorway of an Urban Outfitters in Dallas, Texas and had a breakdown because I realized that I've let a brand define me. And I put counterfeit comfort- the tangible in the place of peace and comfort from the Lord. ( I know I sound like Im' overspiritualizing...but Im not.. I promise.... :)
Little steps...but little steps of honesty with myself nonetheless- are leading me to one thing...truth.

What does truth look like?

Jesus.

Not comfortable. Not always safe. Definately not popular. Not trendy.

But...

Loving. Compassionate. Confident. and Healthy..with lots of Hope.
Lots and lots of Hope.


So with each step away from the at least 30 pseudo-communities I have walked away from..or have been walked away from- I realize that I never did really fit in any of them. Because I didn't know who I was... Because I didn't know Whose I was.

Struggle after strugle as I didn't "fit" I decided to create a pseudo- fit.
Outside looked perfect- trendy, put together, confident and charming.
Inside so desperate to fit . So desperate to be needed. So desperate to feel secure, and happy. And I wasn't.

So lost.

Now...totally okay to admit in a blog that I'm finding it ...
And the only thing I've found has been Jesus.
Time and time again.
And that's beyond enough.

And now I'm starting to find around me are some pretty amazing people. Community if you will. They don't flatter..they're honest. But it's honesty in love.
It's beautiful... There's not the emotional attachments that I used to thrive in, but a really healthy group of people who keep your head on straight, and your heart in check. and at the base of everything- the full on- dangerous and uncomfortable pursuit of Jesus...and it's beautiful.

So here's to you. The insecure. The trendy. The Image. The inside that hurts and that lacks. The quiet struggle for your definition. The American culture. The Pseudo-community. Here's to all of us who fake it really well.

May you be found only in one place... Jesus.

And may every single thing you thought defined you- be gently stripped away until the berlin wall around your soul is shattered and cradled safely in the hands of the Saviour.


seek first..and the rest will come.
amazing how the bible really is true :)



love.


oh, and happy birthday.

full in his face.

night two in a row at the coffee shop. happy. not telling you where it is.. it's already crowded enough, and sometimes it's hard to find a seat. this frustrates. therefore, it will remain the nameless faceless coffee shop that i come to alone.

i just drank my body weight in chai from a mug that was bigger than my head, and took both hands to raise.

i just got a message from a friend of mine who was proposed to in paris this weekend.
as if the engagement party last night wasnt enough to remind me how very single i am, let's throw in a paris engagement.... I had to watch it a couple of times, because i'm pretty sure that there was a banner hanging from the eiffel tower saying " This video serves to remind you, Laura Cooke, that you are single" . Yes. but i'm happy...because If I wasn't single, there wouldn't be enough room for sitting at the coffee shop, and who wants to go to a coffee shop where there's no where to sit? Silver lining wins yet again.

A club of 12 people just walked in. There's no where for them to sit. Take that, suckers. :)

I'm listening tonight to Vicky Beeching's arrangement of " Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" ... the new favo chapel hymn ( That's right friends, we do sing other songs that weren't written by our australian friends...) And i absolutely love the line that says
" Look full in His wonderful face".... and it makes me think.

That's the line we usually pass over. You know, you sing " Turn your eyes..." and then you numb out by making the worship face resembling your bowels being extracted from your body covering until " and the things of this earth" ( Don't laugh. you know you make the worship face...) But there's such a hugeness about the line... " Look Full in His Wonderful Face''.

What about us makes us worthy to even look in the face of God. Moses couldn't. Abraham couldn't. They wouldn't. It wasnt being shown to them. And when even God would show his back- the glory displayed would all but knock people out unconscious. Yet, I'm pretty sure they were men of greater faith than I will ever have. ( I mean, how much faith does it take to know that the Lord will take care of feeding however many million people by dropping bread from heaven?... i'm just trying to believe God that my Electric bill will get paid this month.)

Pause. There's a boy shining a laser in my face. He's like 17. This is awesome.

Unpause.

But...worthy. Not ususally a phrase that runs consistent with my name.
I don't know of anyone who has ever equated me with that word...

' Laura Cooke. Oh, yea, she's that worthy girl."

No. I usually am deemed with words like , " Artsy...Creative Flake, Talker. Grandious Story teller. Loud.. ..etc. Regardless of the adjectives, Worthy is not usually one of them. I've done some pretty colorful things in my life ( Have I mentioned that I have purple highlights in my hair at the moment? Not like, eggplant, more like My little pony purple. They're special.) - But... Said colorful things have done more than disqualify me to ever see the face of the Almighty God of the universe. Universe. That's huge.

Yet..all the while, something in the heart of Father God- sees me as daughter. sees me as loved. Sees me as not worthy by any personal means- but redeemed and made righteous and worthy in His eyes...to see His Face.

ridiculous. I can't even fathom it. I absolutely do not deserve to be seen as daughter.
do not deserve to be seen as His.

worthy, i'm not...beloved, I am.
...because He delights...absolutely delights in his Children. Awesome.
... The King is enthralled with your beauty. Awesome again.

And then the phrase " Look full in His wonderful face" begins to take on a whole new meaning. If you're looking full in the face of Almighty, I imagine that all the peripheral things of this world really do begin to fade.... What earthly thing, in its most glorious splendor could compare to the face of God? What problem could even stand as a competitor to the face of Jesus? I dare it to try.

Compared to his face, nothing else matters.

Makes me wonder why I ascribe worth to things that absolutely do not deserve them. Why I could ever think that the Sovereign is limited by whatever feeble problem I think I have. By Whatever complaint seems huge enoug in my life that I would elevate it above Deity.

Perspective check, friends. Compared to His face, nothing else matters.


love.

Naked as we came. Part deux.

As far as i'm concerned, deux is a way cooler way to say two. just call it international coolness factor.

Well... repitition to prove that I am slightly OCD... didnt leave the burner on, but definatley drove back to check...

wondering how i can steal a couple of these chairs from the coffee shop and take them to my slightly furnished house... by slightly furnished, I mean couch. But I'm totally okay with that...cuz Jenns mom just got me a blender and a toaster. In reality, who needs anything more than a couch, a blender and a toaster in life?

No fresh ideas of chair stealing are coming to mind. A cup might be easier to klepto.

Moving on.

Loving life at the moment. Learning about truth. . .
and that just because a person says something is truth..does not necessarilly qualify that as truth. I love it. We have no power to dictate truth. We have no power to alter truth. Truth is truth...and that's it. And it makes me feel small that I have no power to decide what is or isn't truth. Small is good.

I was talking to my dad the other night about Hitler. Not the most uplifting circumstantial conversation, but Hitler nonetheless. Dad was telling me of not so much stories of Adolf, but his highest ranking authorities. The Holocaust was carried out by the german armies, not Hitler himself. People were killed because Hitler wasn't said no to. One of Hitlers highest ranking army dudes once said " i have no conscience. Hitler is my conscience". Bummer day for him when he stands before the Lord and Hitler isn't there to defend him. Although, Hitler probably wouldn't defend him anyways. Which would mean that army dude killed people for a misplaced hope in a man who wouldn't defend him anyways, and would have killed him had army dude stood up for any form of morality or justice or unkillingness.

Balance is a beautiful thing. Uncontested authority is an unknowingly suffocating disease. May we never think ourselves above the law of right and wrong , where we think that truth is dictated by our own emotional whims and the influence we hold and fear we project in hope of consistent loyalty results in the death of the innocent.

If you followed that you deserve a cookie. or maybe a medal. Perhaps a medal with a cookie on it. For its a little hard to take all of the thoughts swarming around in a right-minded left handed brain and try and make sense of them.

the end.
Peace to you. :)

LC .

naked as we came. part 1.

that title has nothing to do with which i am going to write. it just happens to be the song by Iron and Wine that is playing currently in my head. ( and by in my head, I mean on my itunes.)

I'm a bit emo at the moment. i'm sitting yet again at the favorite coffee shop at a table for one. There's an engagement party going on practically on top of me. I keep introducing myself to family members- and I don't know the couple. Which makes it all the more exciting that they just walked in. I think I'm going to go give the bride to be a hug. And then maybe introduce myself. Happy.

And then theres the bitter twinge of singleness that enfringes itself upon me every so often. Its that feeling of the independance that I so happily embrace self-proclaim turning on me and kicking me in the face.

Group picture time, i'm so getting in on this.....

I want to get married. I need to learn how to cook first. And balance my checkbook. And learn to gauge my tires for air. i have so much more independance to learn before the betrothing.

i don't know what it is about sitting alone at coffee shops that entitle you to being stared at incessantly by other alone-sitters in the coffee shops. It's almost as if their stares identify that you , too, are a member of the " I go to coffee shops alone club"
Its creepy if not strangely welcoming.

Um, I left my burners on at the house gotta run home. THere will be a finish to this.

Part One, OVER. :)