Lost and Found.

Lost and Found.

It's late. This will be a little transparent.

I'm really fake.

I've never been really great at continuance.
I don't know if continuance is even a word. It just seemed to fit the ideals i was trying to encompass by vocabularial creation.
( Trae, if you're reading this , Ive earned at least 4 points in the last 3 sentences.)
Maybe I'm looking for the word consistency...but i'm quite consistent at being inconsistent. Doesn't that justify consistency?
Maybe i'm looking for a different word. Okay, I'll try and explain.

In 18 minutes, I'll be 24. That feels old. I'm quite the nomad, it seems, although I have lived my entire life within 15 miles of where I started. I move alot. Things don't stay the same,although many times I wish they would. Part of me likes change. Part of me thinks I force the hand of change.

I've been learning alot about counterfeit comfort. And that I'm a major subscriber.
Or At least I have been. And at worst, I'm a victim of modern american culture. At best, I'm completely lost.

I want to change that. I've said in a previous blog that I would rather define my culture than sit still and be defined. But how does that happen?

Was surfing around tonight and saw some pictures of a group of people who I used to be extremely close to..hugging..all of them....at a wedding that I wasn't invited to.
Not that I'm offended that I wasn't invited- i haven't talked to them in quite some time. However. It made e think about how many times I have gotten just close eough to a group of people and just vulnerable enough to have community...but I can't seem to follow through. Can't seem to hold down. It's like i get really close, but then for some reason, Run. or in some cases...get kicked to the curb.

Before me stands alot of change. Change that is inevitable- that i have zero control over. But for some reason, this time...this time it feels safe.

If you know me at all..you know a couple of things... that I love birds and trees...claim to be somewhat of a hippie. i'm probably a little more trendy then I need be.. and above all, desperately, desparately long for community, but have built a wall the size of Jericho because every past community I have tried has failed miserably. ( or I have failed miserably)..and thus... either party bails respectively.

The beautiful thing about a healthy community, if you will is that when ( not if..) either party fails miserably... community still stands.. and still loves.. its family.

So what happens then when the Lord leads you to the community you didn't think you wanted... by stripping away the things that once were thought to define every part of you?

As petty as this sounds... I don't get starbucks every morning anymore. and that was actually a challenge for me... I stood in the doorway of an Urban Outfitters in Dallas, Texas and had a breakdown because I realized that I've let a brand define me. And I put counterfeit comfort- the tangible in the place of peace and comfort from the Lord. ( I know I sound like Im' overspiritualizing...but Im not.. I promise.... :)
Little steps...but little steps of honesty with myself nonetheless- are leading me to one thing...truth.

What does truth look like?

Jesus.

Not comfortable. Not always safe. Definately not popular. Not trendy.

But...

Loving. Compassionate. Confident. and Healthy..with lots of Hope.
Lots and lots of Hope.


So with each step away from the at least 30 pseudo-communities I have walked away from..or have been walked away from- I realize that I never did really fit in any of them. Because I didn't know who I was... Because I didn't know Whose I was.

Struggle after strugle as I didn't "fit" I decided to create a pseudo- fit.
Outside looked perfect- trendy, put together, confident and charming.
Inside so desperate to fit . So desperate to be needed. So desperate to feel secure, and happy. And I wasn't.

So lost.

Now...totally okay to admit in a blog that I'm finding it ...
And the only thing I've found has been Jesus.
Time and time again.
And that's beyond enough.

And now I'm starting to find around me are some pretty amazing people. Community if you will. They don't flatter..they're honest. But it's honesty in love.
It's beautiful... There's not the emotional attachments that I used to thrive in, but a really healthy group of people who keep your head on straight, and your heart in check. and at the base of everything- the full on- dangerous and uncomfortable pursuit of Jesus...and it's beautiful.

So here's to you. The insecure. The trendy. The Image. The inside that hurts and that lacks. The quiet struggle for your definition. The American culture. The Pseudo-community. Here's to all of us who fake it really well.

May you be found only in one place... Jesus.

And may every single thing you thought defined you- be gently stripped away until the berlin wall around your soul is shattered and cradled safely in the hands of the Saviour.


seek first..and the rest will come.
amazing how the bible really is true :)



love.


oh, and happy birthday.